Why My Married Girlfriends Defriended Me

A recently divorced woman asked why her married girlfriends have opted out of including her on their occasional get-together. She was asking it from the point of 'What is wrong with me?'

This woman was puzzled and upset since she feels that she hasn't done or said anything inappropriate that would trigger them 'cutting her off'. They hurt her already fragile emotional state.

Is this happening to you?

It is not uncommon experience and let me explain why.

Most people if in an unhappy marriage will not be wearing it on their sleeve for all to see. This means they put the mask on that life is grand. It's not that they don't complain time to time about a certain incident in their marriage; it's that overall you would look at them and think they have a happy marriage.

Then when one of the people in this circle of friends gets divorced; it sends an emotional shockwave through the group. Those who feel it the most will be those who are in marriages that they struggle or are woman who are struggling with 'who they are'.

Your divorce is having them look at their marriage and say 'If they were unhappy, maybe we are unhappy too'. They may look at your situation as a threat to their marriage. What happens is that they may not want to deal with whatever is going on in their marriage. So what they unconsciously do it push away the threat; you. It's like avoiding that person who has a severe cold; because you don't want to get sick yourself.

Divorce is a time of transition. You'll have girlfriends that will drop off the radar scope; but you'll also have girlfriends whose friendship stands the test of time. You'll find that these women are comfortable in their own skin and if married, chances are it is a marriage filled with love, laughter and good communication. Their marriage is built on a firm foundation and your divorce is no threat to them; they give it no second thought.

This is also a time where you will form new friendships. You'll find yourself befriending other women who are in similar situations as you. You have a common bond of being a divorced woman, perhaps even a divorced parent.

Embrace this as a part of the rebirth of your new life. As I was making new friendships; it was so validating of me as a newly divorced woman to know that other people wanted me to be their friend based on who I am. I didn't need to wear my mask anymore. I could stand on my own and be welcomed into the lives of others. Now that's Freedom!

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Sweeter Dreams

When love suddenly leaves, your ability to get a good night's rest may depart, too. Take my own life experience: upon leaving my ex-wife many decades ago, I suddenly found myself subsisting on an insomniac's diet of four hours sleep per night.

Dr. William Dement, a Stanford University Professor widely known as one of the world's leading authorities on sleep, said that, "there is plenty of compelling evidence supporting the argument that sleep is the most important predictor of how long you will live, perhaps more important than whether you smoke, exercise, or have high blood pressure or cholesterol levels."

I have elsewhere advised that "to stay mentally and physically fit, you need to get a good rest every night of the week. For most, that means seven and a half to eight uninterrupted hours of sleep. Self-induced fatigue can be deadly, if it prevails too long. It can impair your judgment, your driving skills, your impulse control, shorten your patience in the face of such stresses as divorce negotiations, and to not-typical outbursts of temper that can result in consequences that can damage you for years to come."

Please note that lots of simple steps can help to promote your restful slumber: good sleeping gear, like a comfortable mattress and pillow, a dark, quiet bedroom, no caffeine after noon, eating a before-bedtime snacking on foods rich in tryptophan, like fish, turkey, chicken, cottage cheese, avocados, bananas, and wheat germ.

I'd like to add that you need to avoid dwelling on what you've lost after you turn out the lights at bedtime. Nothing can make you toss and turn more than such anguished reflections.

I've found that I can almost always go to sleep swiftly just by steering my thoughts to pleasant shores. My trick is to repeatedly replay a happy "wish fulfillment" fantasy. Night after night, I rehearse the same imaginary scenario in all of its details. In no time at all, I become pleasantly bored and drift off to sleep.

I would caution you to avoid building your fantasies around sexual exploits. It's too soon for that if you're still suffering heartache. Try to imagine winning praise as a hero, going on a great vacation, getting promoted, or winning a new car instead.

If you're taking new medications to deal with anxiety, ask your physician if side effects might be responsible for your difficulty in falling to sleep. Another trick: megadoses of Vitamin B1 can help some folks to sleep more deeply and easily. And don't try using alcohol to induce slumber: it's solace is addictive and can actually prevent you from getting the kind of REM sleep that you need.

For those who happen to be fans of yoga, just imagine that your breath has turned into steam and watch it evaporate every time you breathe out. Keep your eyes closed, of course. You'll probably find it so boring, you'll be asleep in no time.

Bona dormire (that's Latin for "may you now get a good night's sleep"). Mike Riley

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Moving Forward After Divorce - You Can Be Broken or You Can Be Better

Freedom of choice is available to us all. Grant it there will be life circumstances for which you have no choice. But when healing from a divorce, you are in charge of your choices. I think as women we sometimes forget we DO have choices.

I can think of a handful of divorced women I personally know who have chosen to remain broken about their divorce. They have elected to stay 'stuck'. This manifests itself in a variety of different manners; for some it may be they have sworn off the other sex completely. For others, they may still complain about the injustice of their divorce. Another way is that they may still be wrapped up in knowing what the Ex is still up to. They have made the decision to remain miserable.

So what do you do if you find you can't get unstuck?

First of all, recovering emotionally from a divorce is a process. There are different stages everyone goes through; the difference may be how quickly one woman may go through a particular phase. For most people anger, shock, resentments or emotional pain may top the list. This can also be mixed with a feeling of 'wasted years'; since typically the years leading up to the divorce may not have cheerful.

Some women fall into victim role. The attitude of 'how could he do this to me' settles in. Family and friends will be there for support; and sometimes they may be unconsciously validating the 'poor me' which can keep you stuck. Don't get me wrong; it is wonderful to have people comfort you and you NEED THAT for a period of time.

It is when you want to stay in that warm comforting feeling and fear takes hold so that you can't move forward is where I often see women get stuck. The purpose of the comfort from loved ones is to validate YOU, gather inner strength and move forward with your life.

If you find yourself in that spot of being stuck; you need to start asking yourself what do you fear? It could be finances, thoughts of living alone, getting a new job, not wanting to get hurt again... the list can be endless. AND there is usually more than one fear.

I would suggest that you select one fear and determine a path for moving forward. You may find you need to solicit advise from friends who have walked the path. An example is a stay at home mom now having to face going back into the workplace.

Talk with other women who have done this transition before; ask a friend to assist in building a resume. Make a list of actionable items that you can execute on and then begin executing.

My experience has been that once you start taking action on fear you are removing the power from fear. The reason is that you'll realize it's not this big hairy monster ready to devour you. You'll find that if you develop an action plan of small steps and begin to work the steps; overtime you'll discover that you're walking through the fear.

And that ladies is very empowering!

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Parental Alienation - How To Handle It

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), also know as Parental Alienation (PA), can manifest itself in any parent/child relationship but is usually more prominent in divorce situations. It is common in child-custody disputes.

This article will discuss what Parental Alienation Syndrome is, how to identify it, how to fight it and how to reverse it.

What is Parental Alienation Syndrome?

Parental Alienation Syndrome is the term used to describe the rejection by a child of one of his or her parents. This rejection may result in the child refusing to see the other parent, cruelty to the other parent, abject hatred of the alienated parent and complete erosion of the child/parent relationship.

Many consider it a form of systematic child brainwashing by one parent against the other parent.

How to identify common signs of Parental Alienation?

Initially, the child begins to act differently with one parent.

The child will become aloof and distant and may seem distrusting or confused.

The child refuses to see, talk to or visit one parent.

The child is abusive (uses foul language, belittles the parent, vehement opposition) to one parent.

The child is very protective of one parent while severely disrespecting the other parent.

The child makes scathing remarks about the alienated parent's role in the break up of the marriage and/or their behaviour in general.

How do you fight parental alienation syndrome?

Some "experts" recommend that you ignore it (bad idea). If you ignore it, it will get worse and you will likely lose your child to the other parent.

Some "experts" recommend that you fight fire with fire (bad idea). This is like parents who teach their children not to hit others by hitting the child (spanking etc.). You can't fight alienation by doing it yourself. This just confuses the child and is very emotionally damaging.

Your child will respect you more and suspect the tales of the other parent if you "take the high road" and don't climb into your ex's "pig pen".

Let your child know that you love them. Tell them you love them - a lot.

Never get defensive or let your child interrogate you. You don't have to explain your behaviour to your child.

Always be calm with your child. Be the adult. Your child is probably being manipulated by the other parent and is confused.

How you react to your child's alienating behaviour is very telling to the child. Don't become flustered or hurt or let the child know that they are getting to you. Your child reacts to your reactions.

Always control yourself. You might want to rip your ex's tongue out but don't let your child know it.

Don't give your ex any "proof" that you are a bad parent and don't love your child. Keep your appointments with your child. Keep your relationship with your child "business as usual".

Don't try to prove the things your ex is saying are lies. Children will glean a lot more from your actions than your words. Let them see that the lies being told about you are not true.

In short, don't become a raving idiot, a whimpering "victim" or a spineless pushover. Your child needs to see you as the person they loved and looked up to before the divorce. Don't play into your ex's hand by changing your relationship with your child.

If your child is already alienated from you, keep trying to repair the relationship. Don't let them forget about you. One day your child will be old enough to make their own judgments and will want a relationship with you - if you did your best to maintain a relationship with them.

Giving up sends a strong message to your child. Don't do it.

How can parental alienation be reversed?

In the early stages, your love, commitment and behaviour with your child may be enough to dispel what they are hearing from your ex. Children need and want calm, positive guidance, stability and consistency. Give it to them. Be their unbreakable rock and your ex won't be able to poison your relationship with them.

If you can't make any headway with your child, you will need to seek professional help. Therapy can be a great help to everyone involved. You may need legal assistance, as well.

To reverse parental alienation, you must deal with and eradicate the issues that caused it and maintains it.

Parental Alienation Syndrome is the insidious brainwashing of a child to turn them against one parent. There are tell-tale signs that it is occurring and it can be alleviated with effort.

Full blown alienation can be reversed in many cases with more effort. It is best to "nip it in the bud", rather than try to turn your child back to you after he or she has been turned against you.

But, what if you just feel like you can't cope with the breakup and the fight for child custody, too? I know how hard it can be to try to put on a brave face for the kids and maybe even the court while you are falling apart on the inside.

There is help, though. Before you see a lawyer, or even after you've seen one, have a look at Child Custody Publications for information others have used to fight for child custody and win.

Dating Advice for Divorced Men - It Does Not Have to Be So Bad

When you are freshly divorced as a guy, you might automatically assume the worst. You might assume that now that you are back in the world of dating that you are going to end up getting disappointed by your lack of success with women. While that does happen to a lot of men, that does not have to be the only possibility for you. There is a reason why so many men find dating after a divorce to be so hard and a lot of it has to do with their attitude and their ability to attract women. If you want to be able to have a good experience with post divorce dating, then you need to make sure that you have both the right attitude and the right skills.

Here are some tips that should give you a boost with both your attitude and your attraction skills:

1) Divorce is so common, that it can actually be a good thing, depending on your age range.

It's kind of funny, but there are plenty of polls that show that women over the age of 30 actually find it a little bit weirder to find a man who has never been married as opposed to a guy who has been divorced. I've heard comments from women on this issue that imply that they think it is actually better for a guy to have been at least married before and divorced as opposed to being single all that time.

2) When you can talk to women comfortably in any situation, it does not matter that you have been divorced.

Most single guys are terrible at talking to women. It's one of the more common issues that single women have when it comes to going out to meeting men. They end up meeting guys that can't hold a conversation to save their life. If you can be one of those rare guys who can hold a conversation just fine in just about any social situation, most women are not going to care one bit that you have been divorced.

3) No matter what, you need to be able to show confidence to women you like.

This is one of the reasons why so many divorced guys are bad at dating once they get back out there. They lost their confidence and they did not find a way to get it back. So, when they approach a woman they like, they give off that vibe of the guy who feels like he does not really deserve to have a girlfriend. You don't want to give off that vibe at all. Not if you want to attract women. You want to be able to show a woman you like that you are confident when you are around her.

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The Child Custody Case - Treat It Like A School Exam

A child custody case is like an exam in school because, not only are you examined but, as with most situations in life, you have two choices:

1. You learn the topic. When it's exam-time, you try to anticipate or guess what questions will be on the exam. Then you study and review the topic to prepare for the exam. You go to the exam prepared and with a good idea of what you will be facing. You have the knowledge you need to get a good mark and you know it. You will be confident and you will get a good grade.

2. You don't bother to learn anything about the topic. You think you can fly by the seat of your pants and wing it, play it by ear or hope for divine intervention. You might even think the teacher will take pity on you and pass you anyway.

Since you didn't learn the topic to start with you have nothing to study and review. You go to the exam unprepared and uninformed. You will probably feel sick with butterflies in your stomach when you see what you are up against. When you see your classmates confidently blazing through the questions you will feel bewildered and lost.

What are your chances of getting a good mark or even passing? Zilch!

What does a school exam have to do with your child custody case?

Think of the exam as a metaphor for your child custody case.

Think of the teacher as a metaphor for a child custody judge.

He or she will not be moved by your shortcomings or your "I'll just wing it and hope for the best" attitude.

They will not take pity on you. They will probably have disdain for you for not doing your homework. Like teachers, judges dislike people who disrespect them and what they stand for by failing to put in the necessary effort.

They will think your preparation for the custody hearing or lack of it is indicative of your skills as a parent.

Your study aids (books, tutor, study partners etc) are like your lawyer.

They can help guide you but they can't write the exam for you. Your lawyer can't win your custody battle for you. The judge will be judging you, not your lawyer.

Your confident classmates are like your ex.

Prepared, informed, confident, strong, impressive and even likeable - by the judge. You of course, will despise them and criticize them for taking the trouble to prepare while you couldn't be bothered.

Passing or failing the exam is like winning or losing custody of your children.

Of course, your child custody battle is far more important than any school exam you ever wrote or will ever write.

I just thought it might be easier to imagine a most extraordinary and potentially devastating event (a child custody battle) by comparing it to an ordinary event (school exam) that most people have experienced many times and are very familiar with the feelings - good or bad - that go along with it.

(True Story: I've been out of school for decades but I still occasionally have a nightmare where I go to my final math exam and suddenly realize I'm clueless. I then fervently wish that I had taken the trouble to attend even one math class or at least had bothered to open my math book - even once.

Although it's only a dream, realizing I don't know what I need to and that it's too late to do anything about it gives me a lost, helpless, hopeless feeling, to say the least. I would not want to experience that feeling in any court let alone custody court.)

As you can see a child custody case has a lot in common with a school exam.

Knowledge truly is power. You have two choices - learn what you need to know (a better chance to win) or hope for the best (most likely lose).

Someone once said, "If you think knowledge is expensive, try ignorance!" Not doing everything you possibly can to win your child custody case can turn out to be very expensive, indeed.

"Forewarned, forearmed; to be prepared is half the victory."

Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

But, what if you worked hard, really hard, at school and still fell apart at exam time? What if you just feel like you can't cope with the breakup and the fight for child custody, too? I know how hard it can be to try to put on a brave face for the kids and maybe even the court while you are falling apart on the inside.

There is help, though. Before you see a lawyer, or even after you've seen one, have a look at Child Custody Publications for information other people in your exact situation have used to fight for child custody and win.

Top Secrets to Finding Alone Time As A Single Divorced Mom

Transitioning from married life to divorced life is a challenge. For a period of time, so much is different as you adjust into a new routine. It can be uncomfortable; but it can also be an exciting time if you choose it be so.

It is not uncommon for a newly divorced mother to complain that she has no 'Alone Time'. You can have alone time, you just need to create it.

And is it work; Yes!

Face it, life isn't handed to you on a silver platter. When newly divorced, I had full custody of my daughter and my Ex moved out of state. With no family in the area and my daughter was a preschooler, I had to get pretty creative with getting some alone time in getting certain tasks done like a trip to the hair salon.

If you want alone time you need to proactively create it. Let me give you some tips.

One of the first items on my list was to make time for exercising. This was a bit of a challenge, since I couldn't leave a preschooler at home alone. The last thing I wanted to do was to pick her up from being in day care when I worked all day to dropping her off at a Gym's children care area.

I decided to buy myself exercise tapes, weights and eventually also purchased a stationary bike. We would get home I would get her a snack and put on her favorite TV show... Thank You Barney! For 30 minutes, I could exercise to tape or ride my bike before starting the evening routine. It worked great for both of us... she enjoyed the downtime from being with kids all day and watching her beloved Barney.

Secondly, I decided to expand my networking with other moms so that I could take advantage of play date time when my daughter was with her friends. I was surprised to find how understanding other moms where on taking my daughter for a play date so I could get to a hair appointment or just get a nice massage.

For parents that wanted a date night out, I would take their kids for an overnight. This worked out beautifully for me when my job required occasional travel; these parents would take my daughter on those few nights.

I think my most beloved alone time in those early years was Saturday or Sunday morning. I got up at the same time on the weekend; and would just love to get a cup of coffee, listen to the sounds of birds chirping in the morning and just be with me.

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Dating Again After Divorcing Advice For Women: Taking Back Your Maiden Name Post Your Divorce?

In discussing all of the behaviors and mores of the contemporary singles dating sene, there is a high percentage of mature modern singles who are divorced and back to dating again. Well, for the divorced single women, many of them consider their names and are pondering to return to using their maiden name. And some don't even think of taking back their maiden name until they are out with their girlfriends sipping and imbibbing a glass of wine of a G&T out on their monthly Girls Night Out and a girlfriend suddenly pipes up and says to her, "You are going to take your maiden name back!"

Her single girlfriend really utters it more as a statement of fact, you start to notice. She didn't really pose it as a question to you. And perhaps by now you are onto your second glass of merlot. You retort back to her and to your gathered posse of BFFs as you declare, "Of course I'm taking back my maiden name!"

And then later on back at home, as you look in the bathroom mirror, taking your make up off, noticing a wrinkle line around your eyes as you reflect on yourself in your mirror reflection as you brush and floss your teeth... "Do I really want to take back my maiden name? I've used my married for so many years..."

How Long Did Your Marriage Last?

How long were the two of your married? How long did you use your husband's last name, now your ex-husband's last name? If you were married just a short period of time, then you might not really feel that your married name became part of your identity. If you were married for more than 5 year, 10 years, 15 years, or over 20 plus years, quite often your married name was what you used for a long time. Your married name has become part of your identity. You divorced, you didn't stop being yourself.

Did You Have Children from Your Former Marriage?

Do you and your ex-husband have children together? Do you have any children who have your ex-husband's last name? For divorced single women who are now divorced single moms, quite often your having children with the same last name as you do is one of the items to seriously consider when pondering changing your last name back to your maiden name. How old are your children? Are they adolescents and teenagers? Will their crowd of friends at school ask them and grill them about why they have a different last name than their mother if you take back your maiden name? Many of your children's peers are from divorced families as well. However, any little difference we have from our teen can suddenly become something for which they tease your child. It might be socially easier for your kids if you keep the same last name that they have.

Do You Want to Celebrate a New Single Woman Identity Now?

Whether you were married 25 years, 17 years, or 3 years, some divorced women have a desire to celebrate a whole new identity for themselves. Often they might feel free with a new sense of independence. Perhaps they married young right out of high school or college in response to a family pressure or cultural expectation. And now that they are older and emerging free and unencumbered from their former marriage, they have a desire to celebrate their new found independence and self-determination. So they crave casting off their married last name and re-embracing a self-actualized identity with their maiden name. Perhaps they are starting a new career or embarking on college or university studies....

This is the 21st century now. As a modern single woman, it is entirely your free choice to decide on your name and to determine what last name you want to use now. Consider these 3 questions for yourself as you choose what it is that you want for yourself, your new life, your family, and your self-identity. Only then can you respond freely and answer on your own, not your girlfriends deciding, or your family determining your answer for you.... Do you want to take back your maiden name or keep your married name? It's your choice and you are free to choose and determine your life and identity for yourself now. Enjoy the journey!

The Challenges and Excitement of Parental Dating

There are currently millions of people actively involved in the dating process, and there is no shortage of dating advice online to cater to them. The singles scene involves people ranging from teenagers, those in their 20s and 30s, all the way to those in their senior years.

The process of courtship has changed through the generations, and yet some aspects of it will never change.

It starts out with asking for the date. Assuming the answer is yes, one must decide where to go and how to dress for the big event.

Dating may just be a way for two people to get to know one another and it may not even lead to romance. After all, everyone needs companionship.

The problem is, not everyone knows how to go about looking for romance in the right way. For some people, dating is a traumatic event, whether they are going on a first date or reentering the dating scene after having been married for years.

If this describes you, take heart in the fact that men and women have the same fears about dating. Although one may fear rejection, the prospect of meeting that special someone can also be very exciting.

But there is another problem: what of newly single men and women with children from a previous relationship? Whether they are divorced, widowed or never married, the presence of children raises questions about how to start dating again. Of course, a lot depends on the ages of the children and other circumstances.

There are two sets of problems involved: finding a dating partner who accepts one's children and telling the children about, and introducing them to, one's date.

How will the date react to children? This will play an important role in whether there is a second or third date. Of course, children must not be the only factor in making a decision about a date; the parent must keep his or her own happiness in mind as well, but children will certainly be an important factor.

if you are looking for marriage, finding a partner who will accept and like (if not love) your children is imperative. This should be one of the primary factors you take into account when deciding whether to pursue a relationship with someone.

Although there are plenty of those who will offer advice about dating, the best guidance of all comes from within. You must ultimately rely on your own common sense and intuition regarding where, when and whom you choose to date.